Can’t stop laughing
You Might Also Like
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I saw nothing
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes