I’m dying louder than usual today.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
No. He’s not coming out to play
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg