RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.