The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
What is going on? 😅
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
The Sun
Human are so complicated
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.