Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
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[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*