I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
No, I don’t think I will.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife