Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…