I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
beware of dog
(jukin media)
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.