Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn鈥檛 come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 馃槈
doctor: hahahaha 馃檪
me: i’ll be here all week haha 馃檪
doctor: haha give or take
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Oh boy, $150,000!
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Oh we鈥檝e met.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.