{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
oh shit
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?