He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.