[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
where the womens at?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Sharon I have some bad news
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked