*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
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I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.