“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Peace was never an option
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes