[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
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[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police