I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.