All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
when you order from DoorDastardly
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense