[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes