I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”