I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Rt to bother an English speaker
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.