Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
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‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
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