Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”