When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
When he asks for feet pics
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.