Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.