To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
You Might Also Like
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I have no passwords left in me
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”