Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Breaking news:
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh