Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog