You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Selfie
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it