I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out