My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Covid like
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
i baked you a cake
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ