“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.