Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner