Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid