this has done me in for some reason
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
okay run it by me one more time
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.