Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them