RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.