[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
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Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.