I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?