Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
can’t believe I got front row seats
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.