Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
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I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My biological clock is wheezing.