Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.