Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée