the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.