Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
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GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
favorite tropes as memes
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
pictures of spider-man
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?