I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.