Me too
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me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
And now we wait
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*