One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
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I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus