A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen