If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
You Might Also Like
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂