The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
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80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.